But for some reason, greater access to the tools we need to learn grammar hasn’t helped us improve.

I know one student that carries an old fashioned pocket dictionary in her bag. I’ll tell you why she’s a good example for us. It doesn’t matter if you use a mobile app or a paper reference book. But use
something for goodness’ sake.

Forget spell check and grammar check. Sometimes the computer is wrong and we end up looking like morons. Not to mention, our verbal communication doesn’t go through an error filter. So one way or another the truth about our inability will come out. And, again, we end up looking like morons.

Grammar really isn’t too hard to master. But the consequences of getting it wrong can have big consequences. I know I lose a bit of respect for people who rely on red and green underlines all the time. We have no excuse to get the basics wrong.

If you’re counting on your computer to make you appear grammatically competent, you’re fooling no one.

I am a fan of The Dog Whisperer — the one and only Cesare Milan. A while back I read one of his books that made a very astute observation. Like them or not, dogs are fairly accurate psychological mirrors.

While we spend much of our lives denying our true feelings, our fury friends see right through us. If you dislike a certain person, your dog will be agitated when the person you disdain is around. If you fear going out in public, it’s likely your dog has anxiety as you prepare to leave your house.

It’s safe to say that any problem your dog has stems from one of your insecurities. So next time you want to correct your dog for his/her behaviour, look to yourself for the source. Correct your behaviour and your dog is likely to follow.

Here’s a small lesson in dog training and self awareness.

One thing about Howard Stern that you probably don’t know is that he sees a shrink and he’s totally comfortable admitting it. I think there’s a great lesson to learn here.

If Stern is one of the best interviewers of all time, how does he do it? I’m here to tell you that his time with a therapist makes his interview brilliance possible.

Howard Stern has spent a lot of time nurturing his self awareness. As a result, he understands the human condition very well. He laughs at himself just as much (if not more) than he laughs at others. He knows how to put himself in another person’s shoes and really understand that person’s emotions. His ability to gain the trust of his numerous guests is directly the result of his commitment to therapy.

It may irk you that I’m using Stern as an example in strategic communication and self awareness for us all to admire. Frankly, I understand why you might feel that way. But “shock jock” is really the least of his identity. In fact, it is the judgment that we hurl in his direction that makes us inferior to him.

Finding compassion for anyone and everyone enables us to understand each other. Stern may strive to understand his guests because it makes for a great interview but it also makes for great relationships and open communication. He’s built quite a community for himself, not to mention a media empire that earns him $100 million annually.

See a therapist. Nurture your self-awareness. Relate to those around you. Whatever you do, stop judging. No one wants to work with someone who is judgmental. The more people who want to work with you, the more successful you can be.

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Hate him if you like, but Howard Stern runs one of the best interviews I’ve ever seen or heard. In fact, much of his success results from his natural ability to communicate. Sure he can string together a sentence and crack a joke, but his skill runs far deeper.

Ask anyone of his adoring fans and even many of his enemies – all will admit he’s an awesome interviewer. Two things make him so great.

1. He asks questions about the tough stuff usually ignored in mainstream interviews (like drug addictions, domestic disputes, and of course, sexual details).
2. He knows how to make any guest comfortable. (Yes, I did in fact say Howard Stern makes his guests comfortable.)

Asking the tough questions makes his interviews interesting. Making his guests comfortable makes asking the tough questions possible – and so part two is the strategic part with which I’m most impressed.

Stern has a knack for identifying what makes an individual most proud. Whether it’s a businessman or a lingerie model. And while I sometimes find it patronizing, his guests seem to fall for it every time. He praises and compliments his guests until they feel like he understands them. Once a guest feels understood and heard, Stern goes in for the real meat of the interview. Suddenly, guests will divulge things they might usually deny. Stern’s got strategy. And, guess what… it’s made his very successful.

Strategic communications is a powerful tool. Without it, Howard Stern would not be where he is today. In other words, communications strategy isn’t just for the boardroom. There are no boundaries to what you can accomplish with the right words.

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Instinctively newborns know how to suckle. They need to eat and so their bodies are made to do so. Communicating is not as instinctual. Sure, babies will cry when they need changing, burping, or food; but, there’s nothing strategic about it. In fact, if mothers were not hard wired to love and care for their infants, the crying would be useless.

We have to learn to talk. We learn sounds and words. Eventually we put those words into sentences. “I want candy,” for example. When the words don’t get us what we want, that’s when we become strategic.

From the time we begin to speak, strategic communications becomes vital to our happiness. But it’s a skill we have to nurture and build over time. Nearly every child masters the art of parent manipulation at some point. So clearly our capacity to be masterful strategic communicators exists. But we simply don’t get the training we need to shape most of our communications to our advantage.

In a sales negotiation or a job interview, for instance, we may be too aggressive or shy. With communications training and practice we can change our rate of success in many areas of our lives. If a child can beat mom in a war of words imagine what a well trained adult can accomplish.

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We know your knee jerk defense mechanism can hurt your communications. So how do you avoid that reaction?

It is important to understand the emotional buttons behind your reaction. When you know your sensitivities you will be able to separate yourself from the situation that’s pushing your buttons. You can halt your reaction long enough to remember what your trying to achieve. You don’t want your knee jerk distraction to ruin your job interview, sales call, or the first time you’re meeting “the parents,” do you?

So follow this one step to identify your buttons…

Pay attention to your body’s cues.

When your emotional buttons are pushed, the first cue is that you will physically tense up. This is an undeniable clue that you’re becoming emotional and you’re about to react. So next time your muscles tense, your palms sweat, your jaw clenches, your teeth grind, etc. step away from the conversation and ask yourself what set you off.

Once you know what your buttons are you can begin to break them down. But that’s something we’ll tackle another day. For now, start getting to know your body. It will tell you when you’re getting upset and reactive. Identifying this tension early will help you keep control of your communications even when you want to get defensive or otherwise distracted.

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You simply cannot be an effective communicator unless you can control your feelings. Without this control you are always in jeopardy of losing your composure.

If a person or subject pushes your buttons, you will likely become defensive. It doesn’t matter whether your buttons elicit anger, sadness, arrogance, or any other emotion. As soon as you go into defense mode you have lost your ability to shape your conversation, lecture, speech, negotiation, job interview, conflict resolution, sales call, etc.

In order to be effective, strategic, and focused in any communications scenario, you need to take a few steps back and identify your buttons. If you know your sensitivities you might be able to remain objective and composed. You might be able to resist the knee jerk defense mechanism that will derail your strategic objective.

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Recently I became a mom.  I’ve discovered a whole new me.  I always thought of myself as relentless, but now I know I can be patient too.  I knew myself to be fierce.  Now I see my soft nature. 

Life circumstances can open your eyes to a whole new you if you’re open to discovering. 

Good communication skills require that you be a good listener too.  Listening to yourself, your instincts, and the messages delivered by life circumstance is an important part of the puzzle.  You can be resistant to certain revelations.  You can deny your vices.  But it is the open minded person who will learn more about him/herself. 

If you’re willing to listen, life might show you what you’re made of.

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When you’re fighting for a cause, negotiating a deal, or debating an issue, staying focused on the details that matter can be a challenge. Watch any episode of Judge Judy for an example of people getting distracted from the issues. Successful strategic communicators stay on topic in order to win ground where it counts most – the outcome. You can spend a lot of time on the wrong details. But picking your battles is one key element that can make an impact on the outcomes that really matter. Distractions can take up valuable time and derail your strategy. Keep on topic to fight the battles that help you win the war.